Almost sure-fire recipe to push away a cold
- 200 capsules garlic. You didn’t really want a girl/boy friend, did you?
- 200 capsules Cold F-whatever. Hold the jar up in two hands, face the camera and smile from ear to ear.
- 1/2 antihistamine tablet daily to aid in nasal aridity. Fact is, it’s only dogs who are healthy when their nose is wet – in humans it’s an undesirable thing.
- Tylebuprofenspirinvil as required or according to taste, preferably sprinkled on your morning bagel.
- 6 gallons orange juice. Orange juice has a shitload of vitamin C. Drink this while sitting on a tanning bed for maximum dosage and effect.
- 14 coffees a day. Coffee is a diuretic and the more often you pee the quicker you expel all the poisons.
- Daily hot bath to sweat the crap out of you. Boil the water in the kettle – when you scream the cold germs run for the hills.
- Micro filtering face masks for use on train and bus when sitting next to annoying people who cough and sneeze their crap all over the place. Just be sure to take your mask off to sneeze on them.
- Massive doses of distraction to make time pass more quickly – this means interesting but useless books and mindless television. It also means sitting in the hallway at school writing blogs instead of reading school work or preparing for your exam this morning.
- Glad-handing freely with people you don’t like. It’s a fact: the more people you share your cold with the quicker you get rid of it. People, this is not the time to be stingy.
- Meditation centred on the word ‘no’. Breathe deeply, in between hacking coughs and sniffles. Inhale falteringly as nature intended, then exhale like a death rattle for dramatic effect. The chief benefit of this is that you will be able to ride the elevator alone.
- Brandy and lots of it. Nuff sed.
It’s not scientific, but if you do all this you are all but guaranteed to get rid of your cold quickly.
Unfortunately, something else will probably get you.
Ok, now I really must study for this morning’s exam.
(No really: you’re not actually going to do this are you? Please don’t.)