Welcome to the Milkshake School of Bus Driving! By the time you graduate from this class you will have a clear understanding of all the skills you need to operate a Calgary Transit bus – including, but not limited to:
- Taking tight, sharp corners much too quickly
- Jamming on your brakes, much too hard, with a good, solid, head-snapping jerk at the end
- Slamming down the accelerator needlessly hard to pull away from the bus stops
- Creating the perfect surly demeanor
- Not saying hello, goodbye, or even “kiss my ass” when your passenger says good morning
- Getting and keeping the seats filthy for the greater discomfort of your passengers
Keeping the bus much too hot
- Jerking the steering wheel left and right – an absolute must
- Aiming for the really good bumps – to really put the suspension to the test
- Helping your passengers spill their coffee, effectively and efficiently, and frequently. Coffee’s bad for you anyway.
- Creating appropriate levels of uncertainty and despair
- Scaring the shit out of other road users
- Driving like a lunatic so you can stop further up the road for a smoke break
- Smoking right where you know your smoke will waft inside the cabin
- And much, much more…
At Milkshake, we’re happy to teach you the fine art of being a menace on the road. Just bring your attitude and a full pack of smokes, and we’ll provide the frightened passengers.
Graduation is after our morning break today, so make sure you’re there or you’ll have to take the class again this afternoon.